I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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