Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
