There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
