Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
