No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
