I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
