She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
