One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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