She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
