The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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