Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
