If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize