They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
