you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
