just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
