Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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