to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
