my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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