he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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