I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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