just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I want a musical about memes.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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