On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
