I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
