I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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