Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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