Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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