When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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