Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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