Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
