so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
