I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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