I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
