I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
