My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize