yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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