i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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