I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize