Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
