God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
