I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
