is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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