Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
