life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
