I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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