My liver just broke up with me...
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Dicks are not precious.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
