i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
