I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
