I wish my penis had an off switch
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Randomize
