I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize