I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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