Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
