dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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