i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
