hell yes lets make some ravioli
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
