i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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