my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
