its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
