mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Randomize
