I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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